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[Jan. 26th, 2008|09:44 pm] |
I'm starting over. There's a lot I could complain about, but that's exactly what I'm trying to move past. I'm ready to move on, find closure and be my own person in soooo many situations. I'm 18 and I need to learn to be independent.
My List:
1. Get organized.
- From my hazardous room to my cluttered head.
2. Try harder.
- At school,at work, at writing, at anything I want.
3. Stop worrying.
- About drama, about people's apathy(stop my own),the future. |
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| What the fuck |
[Aug. 18th, 2007|10:25 pm] |
Things to seem to be getting better. They did and now its worse. Everything is worse. I don't have anyone to confide in, atleast noone I want to bother. Besides asshole friends I noticed another pattern in my life. Nice guys choose dumb broads. I hate dumb broads, theres always one in my way.
I have my car, why aren't I happy? |
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| Its summer, why am i complaining? |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|02:02 am] |
I'm torn. It makes sense, you and me. I want it to happen but I'm not that kind of person. I'll just let you be happy for now and if you ever see what I see, I'll be here.
I just have to keep telling myself, I'm not that kind of person. I'm not that kind of person.
As for all my anger issues, eh fuck it. I'll just think of the non caring loved ones in a different way. Again, I'm not that kind of person so if you need me I'll be there, but I won't go to you again. Do you still see??
Eh whatever, I have too much going for me to keep wasting it.
And in case anyone was reading this before i'm setting some of my entries to private that were public. Word.
Right now I have to turn my focus on those who need my advice and sympathy |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2007|08:43 pm] |
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You have NO right to talk down to me. I won't get upset anymore. I'll just keep my distance. Someone who loves you isn't supposed to see "I really can't stand you" and not even laugh or smile afterwards. Fuck you, and fuck this. |
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| Still cleaning |
[Jun. 7th, 2007|03:10 pm] |
So I was reading over my last journal and taken advantage of wasn't the right way to put it, more like taken for granted. But whatever I'm not gonna bitch about it.
I'm really optimistic right now, about something I really shouldn't be. I don't think its selfish, I think its the only thing I've been thinking about for as long as I can remember. I'm not about to let the chance pass me by again.
As for all the stuff I was annoyed with before, its still there. But I'm the bigger person and if need be, I'll be fine on my own.
All caught up. |
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| Oh Spring Cleaning. |
[May. 30th, 2007|02:15 pm] |
So, it's been awhile. I was bottling up my thoughts and feelings but it's time to vent. I'm changing. No, its not just happening, I'm making it. I want to be differnt. I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want a clean slate. I want to break free from these bad situations. I like how I am, and I'm not about to conform to get some stupid 17 year olds to accept me. I'm too mature, you may see it as the oppisite, but I am. True, I value what others think of me too highly. But thats gotten me nowhere. So, I'm starting over. I'm young and I have all the time in the world to find what's right for me. Independace is the first step. I'm not gonna plan it out this time, I'm just gonna do it. Hopefully, this time next month I'll be better. I won't be miserable or depressed, just content. Possibly even happy. As long as I don't lie to anyone to get it that is.
I could never lie to myself like you do. You know what you've been doing all along. There is no exception to doing a bad thing. |
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| Mkay |
[Apr. 30th, 2007|06:41 pm] |
So I noticed I usually only write when I'm upset. It makes me seem like a sad complaining immature little girl. I swear I'm not. In fact, I've been happy since that last entry. Things are going good. I know what I want and for the most part have everything. Again, I don't know how to get some things, but why worry about it, I'm fine without it aren't I?
The only thing I can't stand right now is work. I've never met a group of more stupid dramatic bitches with nothing better to do then fight with each other. Hey, whatever as long as I don't get sucked into it. |
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| "Didn't even say sorry" |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|09:47 pm] |
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It was one of those night where I could have kept driving, whether it was all the way to Maryland or over a cliff, wouldn't have mattered. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only good person out there. Everyone is selfish, and I kind of wish I was cause it makes them happy. Karma doesn't work, people get away with murder, people screw there life up completly then become the happiest people ever with just alittle help. Why the fuck should I follow the rules? Look where its gotten me. Fuck me. I don't care anymore. I want to be a hypocrite, because its one thing I'm not. Turns out the key to happiness is wear I thought it was. |
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| But then again |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|04:12 pm] |
I don't know what to do, where I'm going or whats wrong. This is been the worst week I've ever had, but not a moment of it wasn't memorable.
It really upsets me. Why not me? I'm not thought of that way. I'm not even thought of as a friend. Its stupid. I don't know how to fix it, maybe I cant.
I hate feeling this way. |
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| It's a two way street. |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|10:10 pm] |
I have no clue I'm wrong. I don't think so, but maybe I am. I expect too much of people. I expect people to think logically, and care about all aspects of their decisions.
Right now things aren't going my way, and that confidence is gone. I think my gut feeling, was wrong. Without a sign soon, I'll move on. Its never meant to be, because I'm just a friend. |
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| The beatles put it best. |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|06:11 pm] |
I get upset, I bottle it up, and move on. It may not seem that way but I do. And it resurfaces when something minor happens, and everyone thinks I'm over reacting and I'll get over. And I will, until next time. It's an endless circle that everyone close to me seems to miss. It's unhealthy.
Maybe I just don't get people. I think completly differntly and I think I can see things others can't. A wasted talent if you ask me. I believe in the good in everyone, and new beginnings. I'm just differnt. |
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| "I guess being like everyone else is attractive" |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|07:05 pm] |
It's been awhile, I know. I'm so indecisive about everything, so I really couldn't write. Right now I have everything going for me, I love my family and my friends so much. My grades are better too. And yet it's not enough: I figured it wasn't right to complain when everything is going so well. But this thing, this thing I can't explain is killing me. I doubt anyone understands it because it doesn't seem like a big deal but it is to me. I don't know if it's scapegoat for everything else or if its 100% real. All I know is it would make me happy(ier).
Vita Bella is calling my name. |
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| Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland, went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in<3 |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|05:40 pm] |
So, last night was incredible. I could see Kris Roe's sweat. I still don't believe we were that close, or that being that close was even possible. Unopened letter to the world reminded me of
middle school which made wanna me cry, and the lyrics seemed so much more real to my life now, which made me wanna cry. But I didn't. And then South Street on Fat Tuesday at midnight. "We are the crowd, might as well join us" "Hey, number two" I have the best friend.
So as for my life right now, I can honestly say I'm not confused for once. I know exactly what I want - just not how to get it. But the good news is, I'm confident I'll figure it out. |
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| Better |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|10:02 pm] |
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I over react. A lot. And I'm sorry. I really truly love my friends. The one I freak out on too much, but we both do it cause we're so strong we can get away with it. GB4L |
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| Oh, it reminds me of a few brand new songs. |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|06:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
So to explain my SUDDEN change in journal entries. I felt like I belonged. For once in my life I belonged. Then, that fast I was forgotten. It's obvious I'm not needed. If I was wouldn't someone have noticed I wasn't there? I can't let this one slide. I usually just roll with the punches and let people dick me over but it was the last straw. Of course, I've had worse done to me but maybe I'm growing some backbone. Friends should be friends no matter what the circumstance is. End of story. |
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| I lied |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|06:04 pm] |
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What the fuck is so bad about me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|03:25 pm] |
It made me cry. Like that moose. And the stupid boy that ran to tell his mom how cool it looked. When we craved our initials into a tree, my first case of butterflies, word vomit that ended with "LOOK AT THAT CUCUMBER" That fact that everything looked good under echo farm skies. Fighting for the hot water and pleading to go to acme. Figuring out wheel of fortune is a guaranteed 50 tickets. Most of all, talking, because it never got old.
Summer <3 GB4L <3
These past couple of weeks, mainly this past Friday have been the closet thing to summer I've ever experienced in February. I love my friends. Every single one of them.
Here's to being 17. |
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| Grill cheese. |
[Jan. 24th, 2007|07:50 pm] |
Well, things changed. For the better? The jury is still out on that one. I've always wondered how people justify the wrong things they do. Does blaming it on someone else really make it okay? Sorry, but have alittle backbone and admit you were wrong.
So, I'm sick again. I should be out all week. Bummer. I'm ALWAYS sick. And I can't stop sneezing.
I'm really confused. But my friends are awesome and make me feel better. Jenn always makes me feel better in her own weird way. I always thought I was better with words, but lately they're getting me nowhere and I need to act.
But act on what? |
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| Screw Chem |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|05:35 pm] |
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Things are changing and something good is bound to happen. It's up to me to take the extra step. Goodbye shyness. Electron configuration, - again, no thanks. |
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| Venting. |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|04:31 pm] |
I've recently learned that I tend to lose respect for good people who do stupid things. I've decided to stop judging them, because I myself HATE being judged. Also, lately I've been trying hard to get closer to people in general. I have to learn that, that happens over time and there's no need to rush it. What I really need is someone to talk to. Someone non - judgmental.
I've been told a lot recently that I'm too nice of a person. I think to myself - so i should be an asshole, and all the sudden my life will be better? I can think of a couple of people in particular that, that strategy isn't working for. Act tough - get beat up, act confident - get your feelings crushed. I'm not that stupid.
Last thing to rant about. Why do I over-think everything? I think everyone doesn't like me. I think I'm annoying. I think I'm ugly. I think I'm stupid. - all thoughts that cross my mind that originate from one little remark or circumstance that may have absolutely nothing to do with me. You think I'd be over this by now.
Jenn's right - I need to loosen up. Too bad I'm sick this weekend. |
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